songs on spring

by Betsi Krisniski

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1.
You were a leaf on a maple tree You burned bright and then you fell Made a show for everyone Left an empty opening My own sad story to tell Getting sore over the months And soon it will be years that I've had this loneliness And if you could be here  I would have to tell you this Real isn’t simple and simple isn’t me The world is really messy but we all like company And if you shoveled in the coal I knew I could make fire But you’re empty and you’re cold and so was I after a while I can’t open my mouth cos everyone gets scared They can’t handle me different no one is that well prepared And I’m not really either but if i had more to give i would want you to be here I would have to tell you this Bright skin, dark lips, looking up from emptiness Balancing yourself on coke and cigarettes I feel seasick and obnoxious that I let someone in And if I can be honest I won't like that again So now my days are long and lonely but I'm trying to be productive But it's funny to me now that i'm finally free all i want is to be back in the dungeon Real isn’t simple, and simple isn’t me The world is miserable so we're in good company And you left me in the fall, but I learned how to make fire Now I'm tired and I'm cold cos it's really hard to try I can’t open my mouth cos everyone gets scared They can't handle authentic, no one is that well prepared And I’m not really either but if things were different I would want you to be here I would have to tell you this
2.
How long, how long, do I have to pretend that the vaccine works and I truly understand? I am always half baked, I am happy on my own that’s a pretty strong case for staying alone And now you are sorry you didn't finish our story the novel's on the nightstand, and you can’t sleep there's diagrams in margins, and passages highlighted but it’s all in a language that you don’t speak and you said you needed time, i was happy to oblige you said that we should talk, but it hasn't happened yet you want to rewind this back to the beginning but I still don't want your video cassette we're science fiction at its best a case of opposites attract and i am starring nonetheless once upon a time we were happy with our lives and i started to relax, turned off my survival mode then the earthquake came and the aliens arrived so i reached out for your hand, and i saw i was alone this is getting old, and i am getting tired it's hard to rewire how you think of everything so i'm working on my commune, and i'm working on the koolaid and i think i've finally found the perfect recipe yes i've thought about my options, i'm really good at those i need a deadly dose to finally forget so please don't rewind this all to the beginning cos i truly don’t want your video cassette we're science fiction at its best a case of opposites attract and i am starring nonetheless and how dare you keep showing up i'm so careful to avoid that stuff for example how hard did you try to convince me that you loved me when you didn’t give a fuck? when i was in middle i was searching for a symbol that's as close to forever as i'm ever gonna get so please don't rewind this all to the beginning cos i really can't watch that video cassette we're science fiction at its best a case of opposites attract and i am starring nonetheless
3.
i don't dance at bars and i don't want to i want to want to want to dance and i knew if i were amanda i would dance like there were no demands of who i am or who i hafta be and i'm okay with that i'm okay with her i'm okay with me sometimes i'm 'fraid to say what i'm really thinking i want to want to want to say and i knew if i were amanda i would say things like there were no demands of who i am or who i hafta be and i'm okay with that i'm okay with her i'm okay with me maybe it's easier just to be lazier but really dear what is the point you heal like a wound when you are not around things and being alone feels okay like the only way possible loneliness logical being alone feels so great and i knew if i were amanda i could be alone like there were no demands of who i am or who i hafta be and i'm okay with that i'm okay with her i'm okay with me
4.
when you asked / if i was done / i said yes cos i didn't know what else to do when you / get so depressed / and are following through on what the voices all say to you
and I / am falling fast / you’re falling faster and further away and I don’t really know what to do / except talk to you when all’s said and done at least we’ll be friends
one, two, three…   you can only mend / the same hole / in your favorite dress
so many times
before you work your way around the binding of the sleeves
and you're binding to the binding of the binding / of your bind
and you go out in the rain / in the coat you’ve come to love
but suddenly the wind gets through
and you realize it’s cold and you realize you’re numb
one, two, three…   i am an artist / a contractor / a contractess / I’m much less than I’d like to be
and over and through it all / I always kinda knew / you would destroy me
we just laughed and set the latch / on little mouse traps / bait the roots of the tree and then I wince when it hurts
I can’t really say that I regret anything and how awful is it that I miss being yours
one, two, three…   it's like a little purr / a sound machine - a bare minimum, heartbeat
I would hold my breath when you left
time will not heal this / the precedent’s set
they all want me deep breathing and counting and feeling
but I haven’t felt anything since you’ve left one, two, three so here I’m alone / cos that’s how things belong / 
and everything ends up the way that it should
and I play and I sing and I make my own tea which is something I’ll never improve
and I made you promise if you broke my heart you would do it right
well I guess you did. 
So thank you for not lying about everything You came through in the end
5.
come running when i hear you /cos i know you will make room i come running heavy handed with love for you and it don't matter of my color /no it don't matter where i come from when i come running you step aside and let me have some   you make up language / you make up the rules / you make up answers but at least it's you and there is no one else that i would rather answer to and i would never be a stranger / i will always take up your space cos every something i see is a place we could be just your face and my face   and i sing up to your ladder every day even though there’s never much that’s new to say and you listen politely and let me stay that’s love   even when I'm sad I try and think of you And how you always make room And it don’t matter what I’ve done And it don’t matter where I come from When I come running you step aside and let me have some

about

Well, I’m sick. But today is my favorite day of the year, and I want to share a few songs that I have noodled with and if I keep noodling they will never be released. These are demo-ish. Maybe I’ll make big tracks someday. Maybe. Until then - please enjoy the raw goodness. I love you guys.

Track warnings:
There’s an F-bomb in “science fiction”.
“depressed” is really depressing.

All recorded on the magical iPhone 11.

credits

released October 31, 2019

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about

Betsi Krisniski Hudson, New York

flighty, fidgety, all-in-one modern day june cleaver of acoustic assault.

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